Bismillah
As I’m getting ready to leave home for the second time in my
life, to go back to my husband’s side inshallah, I decided to ask my parents
some hard hitting questions on raising children. Instead of asking them what
they would do in my situation, or currently in their own situation, I asked
them what they think they would change if they could about how they raised us.
It wasn’t easy to get answers, especially from my mother as I
feel she is ridden with guilt and doesn’t know how to channel it or how to
alleviate it or where really to place the blame for it. I think she is
overwhelmed with the feelings of it, some of which she may be justified in
feeling and some of which I don’t think belong in the picture at all, except by
the suggestions of the Shaytan who is just trying to hurt her more.
There is a lot of background that went into my mother’s
answers, most notably the current circumstances of each one of her children and
how she feels about that. However, in summary, my mother feels that she would
change two main things about how she had raised us, if she could do it again.
The first is that she would have spent more time with us. This
was a surprise to me because I had thought that mom was very secure in her
decision to work and pursue a career while being a mother and wife at the same
time. I’m not sure if it’s hindsight or simply aged wisdom (aren’t they the
same things?), but that is what she said. Also, she didn’t qualify it, and I had
expected her to, so that surprised me even further.
The second thing she would have changed is that she would
not have uprooted us from TZ to US. She also didn’t qualify this statement
despite some probing, so I’m wondering at the level of guilt riding her and I suspect
it to be very high.
When she first initiated the move to the US, and for many
subsequent years, I felt that she was very firm that the decision had been for
the best. Recent circumstances in her kids’ lives must be really affecting her
emotional state for her to leave that statement so unqualified. So for now, it,
no both of them stand.
I will explore both statements further inshallah in a bid to
arrive at an answer that will help me in raising my own children because I value
greatly my parents’ insight for they raised me and I feel Allah has placed
great blessings therein.
My father’s answer was given more in a roundabout away as I don’t
think it’s something he’d sat down to think about, at least not recently, and
so was feeling his way around the right answer. After hearing his words, I concluded
that he feels that we should not have moved from TZ to US at all. He felt that
the move put him at a disadvantage and whatever influence, power, knowledge or
insight he had gained as a father, was all pushed out the window and he was
placed at the same level as his children, floundering in a new environment, and
just flowing with the very strong current. He felt that he could no longer be
the leader he was meant to be as a husband and father, and therefore could not
really offer any help, support, or guidance to his children, nor could he
really be the strong provider and protector of his wife, because of the newness
of the place and circumstances.
In the end, both my parents felt helpless to offer us
anything, which left my father feeling helpless and my mother feeling guilty. My
mom also said that the main reason she regrets moving us is because not only
was the environment new to all of us, but because she had no choice but to work
and be away from home at such a critical time. She felt that she failed in her
role as the one supposed to be the most influencial person in our lives. Others
stepped in and provided leadership and support, moral direction and values,
because she was too busy to do that for us. The case of when the cat is away,
the mice play.
Looking back, I totally agree with my parents evaluation of
their situation and feel my conviction to be a stay at home mother strengthened
by this information, as well as my decision that we as parents, must decide
quickly and firmly, where we will raise our children, then work to do our best
in that place, no matter what comes later inshallah.
Also, my father’s answer gave me a new insight into what
might matter most to the father of children and husband as the expected and
looked upon head of the family and leader inshallah. Clearly, the best thing
will be to have my husband choose a place he feels most confident to succeed
and then plant our family roots there, whether the place be my preferred choice
or not.
I had never thought that the determining factor for where we
would raise a family be where my husband feels the most confident, and yet I feel
it makes a lot of sense. After all, he is the one who has to be out and about
every day, the one who has to earn a living in the place we live it, the one
who has to make a place for our whole family in the environs.
Originally I had been thinking more like a woman, with security being the highest priority like where the
best hospitals and schools and other important facilities are, and also safety
from gangs and other unsavory aspects of society. I still think these are
important things to consider but they must be weighed with where dh feels he cannot
just survive, but also thrive, grow, and prosper inshallah.
For me this is a tremendous decision, taking much of my own security
and placing it in the hands of someone else, however, I have to trust that my
husband will consider all of our needs along with his, and tender his decision
after taking everything into account inshallah.
The most important thing I learned from the interview is
that parents have a strong need to provide security as well as guidance and
support to their children, all in an effort to enhance the security and future prospects
of their children. I also learned that when parents are unable to provide this
for their children, or their ability is hindered or curtailed, it can cause
deep feelings of guilt and helplessness to engulf their hearts and even blind
them to whatever other achievements they accomplish, including the fact that
they did indeed to the best that they could, with the knowledge that they had
and the circumstances that they were in. furthermore, these negative emotions reduce their confidence as parents and best teachers of just about everything that could ever matter to their children.
I had always thought that so long as I did my best and gave
it my all, if things didn’t turn out exactly the way I had hoped, I would be ok
with that and I’m learning from observing and listening to my parents, that
perhaps it is not as simple and clear cut as that.
Parenting is a hard job, requiring dedication and focus, and
benefiting from the Mercy and Grace of Allah as well as His Direction and Guidance
and Help inshallah. Therefore I appeal to Allah the Merciful for all these
ingredients and more, so that we as parents my raise our children upon the
right path, that our children learn to walk on that path and love it and keep
to it, and that Your Pleasure is gained and manifestly so in this amazing
adventure and tremendous responsibility inshallah.
